Big enough for the moon.

It's late. 1am to be exact. Despite the fact that I have to be up at 6am, I am still awake, blogging. My mind is awake, so here I am!

The night is almost too gorgeous to be indoors. The sky is so light and the moon is so vibrant! Gotta love these summer nights. I stepped outside a moment ago to look at the night sky, and I was captured by the beauty and the "bigness" of it all. I was reminded of a lesson God once taught me through this "bigness". He showed me that, while the sky is one of the truest forms of beauty to me, it makes me nervous. Why? Because I can't control it. I can't see the whole thing. I can't convince myself that clouds don't lie just beyond the perfect sunrise. While my mind didn't really make the connection at the time of what God was saying, my heart was fully aware. How could The God that is so intimate with me, so gentle and familiar, be the God of it all? There is SO much out there! So much life and pain, so many different worldviews and so many beliefs. How could the God I know really be over it all? Wow, talk about trust issues, yeah, I've got em! Anyways...God was teaching me to enjoy the beauty of the sky, while trusting that He is big enough to handle it, and big enough to show Himself strong and true to me and the rest of the world. He can see the storms coming, and He's not alarmed. He still delights in the beauty. Why? Well, cause "He's bigger than the battle has ever been,".

So looking at the moon tonight, I had the choice to be alarmed at the vast unknown. But I felt Him giving me another option :] Cause He's good like that! I felt an excitement rising up of living in this big, wonderful world, with an even bigger God. I thought of the places I've been and I have no doubt that He took me to those places. I can't do squat on my own. I remembered that He knows my frailty and He wants to walk with me anyway. And that excites me. Our God is on the throne! And He is good!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

Am I still to forget, O wicked house, your ill-gotten treasures....?

Ok, so for the past year or so, God has been opening my eyes to slave-labor around the world and how we contribute to it all the time. And the more I've learned, the more torment I've been in because I know that to really take a stand against something so evil would be to say "No" to things that I buy all the time. Clothes and chocolate being my two greatest weaknesses in this department. I've let myself off the hook numerous, countless times when i've felt convicted about buying something. Why? Because I can ignore it if I really want to. People can make me feel better when they tell me that God doesn't expect me to be that radical. Even when I feel called to be that radical? To be honest, I don't really know what God "expects" of me. But Micah 6:8 says,
"He has showed you. O man, what is good.
And what does He require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
And to walk humbly with your God."
He's shown me what's good, and He's shown me what's unjust. At the same time I've gotten a glimpse of what is evil and unjust, and I don't want to make excuses for myself anymore.
Father, give us the grace and determination to walk humbly before you, to love mercy more that we love comfort, to love you more than our own lives. Forgive us for determining in our own minds what is acceptable to you when you're shown us what is good. Lord, we want to love you more!

Just want to be with me....

I keep finding all these things in my life that I assume the Lord is telling me to work on them, to be better, to do better. But now, I'm finding that nothing comes from my own efforts. From trying to be good or better. I think He just wants to be with me. to spend time with me.

"Then Jesus went up on a mountain and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. Jesus chose twelve and called them apostles. He wanted them to be with him...

And He loves like a father who just found His son...

[Trying to be perfect never got me anywhere...]

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for Which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

To The One our hearts long to love.

What is the greatest commandment Christ gave us? To love Him with all that we are (Matt 22:37). His Word says that "We love because he first loved us",(1 John 4:19). So let us never stop drowning in His love for us. Let us never stop meditating on it and singing of it. Let us never "get over" the truth and depth of His love. It is what compels us to love others, to love Him. His love is never ending.

"There's no end to the affection you have for me" -Jonathan David Helser

Graven in His Hand

Tonight, I had a simple yet profound encounter. I felt so discouraged tonight about so many things and I just haven't been feeling like I really ever do enough, because there's always so much more to be done. So tonight, I looked up at the stars...and nothing happened, lol. I still felt inadequate. So I just kept staring up at that big sky filled with lights, and this truth slowly started to dawn on me: The God who made each of those stars loves me. He isn't mad at me, He isn't annoyed and disappointed. Yes, He's always growing me and sometimes disciplines me, but all because He's madly in love with me. Yes, I said madly because how madly in love with someone do you have to be to leave heaven and die for them. I think we should remember that more often. He is not casual about His children. He is pursuing them. And when we forget who He is, He never forgets us. "...I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." Isaiah 49:15-16. Praise God.

You are Mine

Dear Blog,

It's been awhile, I know! I need to get some things out, and you're pretty good for that :].

So the Lord has been moving. And there is a breaking sound involved. He tends to do that. He tends to challenge and prod and discipline those that He loves. If there's one thing I really took from YWAM, it's that God loves us way to much to let us stay where we are. Thus the great breaking. Sometimes I'm fearful of going deeper with Him because I KNOW that He will bring to surface past hurts and scars. But there are times when I reach the end of myself and that's where the healing begins.

It can be very easy for me to "keep it together" in the midst of trials. Sometimes I feel that I don't have the right to just let it all go, to cry. But recently, with a situation in my life, I found myself trying to once again keep it together. I remember it clearly. I was sitting in the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra, listening to a very beautiful and expressive piece, and everything in me wanted to scream, but I held back because, well, I was at the symphony. Then, ever so gently I felt the Father say, "You are my daughter. Cry out to your Abba!" And that did it. There, at the symphony, I balled my eyes out. Crying like a baby for my father to come and save me, I remembered where my strength comes from. I let myself off the hook to be perfect and get it right. I let myself break in His arms, and it was beautiful.

So what is the Lord doing here? He's reminding me to stop holding myself up. Because He will lift up those who know when it's time to fall down. He is "near to those who cry".

"The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing,"
-Psalm 145:14-15